Why I Want to Revoke Your License

Generally speaking I’m an easy going guy. I’m an optimist, so life is good and the glass is half full. Most things will roll off me like water off a duck’s back. I admit that I think it’s a great way to navigate through life.

Unfortunately, navigating in my car isn’t always so cheery. Some things in life bug me to no end. Bad drivers have to be at or near the top of my list. The daily commute is often an exercise in both patience and alert driving. I may not be the world’s most experienced driver myself, but I was taught well.

Here is a list of some of my biggest annoyances on the road. For any minor driving faults I may have, I won’t be caught doing any of the following.

Glued to a cell phone while driving
When you are driving your top priority should be driving. Driving somewhere isn’t an excuse to use up all of your overpriced cell phone minutes. When you are glued to your cell phone you are distracted to some degree no matter how good a driver you may or may not be when the road has your full attention.

I know who you are, too. I can usually spot you from a quarter mile away. You touch your brake randomly, you don’t maintain a constant speed, and you often drift to the left and right. I’ve predicted many times that you were chatting away before I ever had visual confirmation.
If you must talk and drive, keep it to a minimum and use a hands free headset. Then you have zero excuse for committing the second offense on this list, which you have a tendency to do…

Not using turn signals
I love “Star Wars”. I’ve often wished that I was “Force sensitive” and could wield a real light saber. If I could manipulate the force, I might not be able to read your mind, but I could at least force you prevent me from wishing I could. You must be simple minded, after all, if you can’t remember or be bothered to signal.

I don’t read minds. No one does. Turn signals aren’t simply a courtesy, but a safety feature. Signaling allows me and everyone else on the road to understand your intentions and react accordingly.

On the highway your turn signals provide a warning to any cars that may be in one of your blind spots. On regular road ways your turn signals allow people to navigate around you or in front of you without causing an accident. When you don’t use your turn signal I get frustrated because I’m not going to commit the next offense and you made me wait longer for an opening…

Cutting people off
Don’t be an asshole. I don’t drive like your grandmother and you’re no more important that I am. If I have to brake after you cut in front of me, you should not have made a lane change.

There is plenty of highway for you to plan your lane changes. If you can’t find ample opportunity to make a safe lane change at, oh, say, the “One mile to the next exit” sign, don’t take it out on me. Odds are you are a multiple offender, talking on a cell phone, not signaling, and/or driving overly aggressively. You may even be guilty of the next offense…

Not checking your blind spot
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. All cars, from the smallest little Mini Cooper to the largest Chevy Suburban, have two blind spots. Until you have that experimental surgery to install two new eyeballs in the back of your head you must turn your head to check your blind spots before even thinking of making a lane change. Your side mirrors are not adequate.

Checking your blind spot takes all of a second to do and can prevent accidents, swerving, and will minimize the number of times someone honks their horn at you. Even if you’re merging right you need to check your blind spot, because you’re likely to encounter someone who is…

Passing people in the right lane excessively
Not only is passing in the right lane illegal it’s dangerous. Faster traffic moves to the left. I don’t care if the right line is wide open. It’s not an excuse to pass 25 cars at 90 MPH.

I understand that occasionally you might need to pass a car or two and can’t do so by merging left. Just don’t overdo it. If you do you are probably…

Driving over aggressively
Odds are you are male. You either have a fast car or think you do. What I can’t figure out is why you think every day is the Indy 500. Either you are compensating or you need to learn time management.

Stop weaving in-and-out of lanes. Stop passing excessively on the right. And please stop…

Tailgating
Get off my ass. I’m not going to drive any faster just because you want to admire my rear fender. I’m driving an adequate speed for my lane and you can feel free to pass me (on the left, thank you very much). I’m not going to transfer your aggression or ignorance to the car in front of me.

If you aren’t paying attention and start to ride up my backside, Heaven help you if you’re…

Reading the newspaper or other such activities
You should be thrown in jail immediately if you are reading the newspaper while driving. What could be worse than yapping on a cell phone while driving? How about not even looking at the road while driving?

Don’t read and drive. Don’t apply makeup and drive. Don’t change your clothes and drive. Don’t eat and drive. Don’t goof around with the passenger(s) in your car and drive. Don’t do whatever you are doing when you are reaching down to the floor on the passenger side of the car and drive.

Not accelerating and merging on highway on ramps
I ran out of clever transitions for the last few items, but they are no less important.

You need to accelerate, look at the oncoming right lane traffic, and merge safely when getting on the highway. It may sound complicated, but you should have this skill mastered after five trips on the highway. How it is that you manage to make this a difficult task after years of driving is beyond me.

Stick to the back roads if you can’t get onto the highway safely. You’re not simply putting yourself at risk you’re putting everyone behind you at risk, too. You should never get on the highway at 30 MPH. Ever.

Not understanding or obeying the right of way
Cars to your right have the right of way. Clever, isn’t it? So do cars going straight or right through an intersection. Cars on a main road also have the right of way before cars on a side street.

Make the letter “L” with your index finger and thumb if you can’t remember which side is your right and which is your left.

Stop trying to cut everyone off making a left turn when a light turns green. Stop trying to turn left in front of traffic on a main road. Stop trying to ignore the right of way at four-way stops. Ignorance isn’t an excuse.

Swinging out wide to make a turn
The final offense is one of the most annoying because it’s so simple. Move left to turn left and move right to turn right. You will be doing everyone a courtesy (especially if you are using your turn signals) and not slowing traffic around and behind you.

School buses, 18-wheel trucks, RVs, and any vehicle towing a trailer have wide turn radii and require extra space to navigate corners. Your passenger vehicle does not.

I see double digit offenders weekly. I can’t tell you how many CVS employees commit this offense daily in the industrial park where I work. I’m thinking of notifying CVS headquarters and telling them to require a remedial driving course for their employees.


There are many good drivers on the road. Unfortunately the number of bad drivers on the road often feels like the majority. Please drive safely and courteously on the road. Your driving affects not only you, but others around you.